It Doesn't Mean Anything
by Always With Amy
Summary: Kurt knows that it doesn't mean anything when Finn comes home, girlfriend-less and wanting to vent his frustrations. - POV ficlets. Onesided Kinn; Klaine; mentions of Finchel. T for language and strong implications.
1. It Doesn't Mean Anything

**A/N:: **Just angst that I've been itching to get out of my system. I have five other parts (and possibly an epilogue) that I intend to write to go along with this, so hopefully the vagueness can be excused. oTL

**Disclaimer:: **Glee is not mine.

~.~.~

_It doesn't mean anything._

Kurt tries to remind himself of that, but it's not the easiest thing in the world to do with Finn Hudson lying next to him, bare and sweaty and looking too goddamn adorable while he sleeps.

_It doesn't mean anything._

Kurt knew it wouldn't from the very beginning; he knew that whatever Finn did would mean absolutely _nothing_, because he was emotionally unstable and he was angry and Kurt was just _there_.

_It doesn't mean anything._

Kurt thinks he might be a masochist. He can't think of any other logical reason to explain having thought that letting Finn into his Calvin Kleins would still sound like a good idea in the morning.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Kurt never stopped loving Finn; he's known that all along. He thinks that Finn must have known that, too, if he had the reasoning ability to come to Kurt when he was broken and in need of an empty lay. (He likes that option better than the one where Finn was willing to rape someone if it meant he could fill a hole, anyway.)

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Kurt knows that no matter how many times he mentally repeats it to himself, it'll never be true to him. Because even if it didn't mean anything other than pity and desperation to Finn, it meant so much more to Kurt.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Because Kurt's a masochist like that.

-.-

_It doesn't mean anything_.

It's the first thought that pops into Finn's head when he wakes up with an undressed and disheveled Kurt curled into the fetal position next to him, facing the wall and revealing the expanse of bruised flesh that is his back.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Finn had been angry, really angry, when he came home. He hadn't meant to end up taking it out on Kurt. He hadn't meant to push him down onto the bed and tear off his expensive clothing just because he _could_, just because he had the physical capabilities to.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Finn feels like a douche, and a slut. Only a douche would let himself fuck his step-brother – his totally in love with him step-brother – and take advantage of the little guy's emotions. Only a slut would let himself fuck his step brother – his totally in love with him step-brother – just thirty minutes after what was perhaps the hardest break-up conversation he'd ever been on the receiving end of.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Kurt never stopped loving Finn; Finn knew that all along. It was what gave Finn the idea to splay Kurt on the bed in the first place. Because Kurt was there, and Kurt wanted him, just like how Rachel wasn't there, and how she didn't want him anymore.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Finn really hopes that Kurt knows it didn't mean anything, because he can't deal with that kind of drama right now. He just needed to let out some stress, and Kurt was there and willing to take it for him.

_It doesn't mean anything_.

Except somehow, Finn sort of doesn't feel empty, like he did after Santana.


	2. He Won't Say Anything

**Disclaimer:: **Glee is not mine.

~.~.~

_He won't say anything_.

Kurt expected as much. He knew that Finn wouldn't want to talk about it. There was nothing to say – he had been stressed, and his emotions took control. It was simple, it was primal, and it was nothing that could be brought up without incredible discomfort.

_He won't say anything_.

Finn hadn't said much last night to explain his sudden desire to fuck Kurt senseless. He'd offered short answers of "Rachel" and "bitch" when Kurt asked what had happened, and that cleared things up a little bit. It sufficed, anyway, because Kurt had known that Finn wouldn't want to add anything in the morning.

_He won't say anything_.

It'll be just like it never happened. Finn will pretend he went home and holed himself up in his own room with angry emo music. Kurt will pretend he spent the night home alone in his room with his show tunes. Perfectly reasonable explanations for their whereabouts the night prior.

_He won't say anything_.

But Kurt doesn't want to lie. Kurt wants to talk about it. Kurt _needs_ to talk about it. Because you can't just lose your virginity to someone and then never talk about it. (The first deflowering is a big thing to Kurt, particularly now since it was at the body of someone that he loves.)

_He won't say anything_.

But Kurt knows that he can't talk about it. If he brings it up, Finn will change the subject. He'll deny that it happened, or maybe he'll get angry again, or maybe even get depressed and start crying. Basically, his reaction will be bad. And Kurt really wants to avoid that.

_He won't say anything._

Kurt still loves Finn. Finn could have beaten him to a bloody pulp and called him all the most hateful names in the book after what happened, and Kurt would still love him. Because he's given the masochistic Kurt Hummel at least one good first.

-.-

_He won't say anything._

Finn knew they weren't going to talk about it. It was an unspoken executive decision Finn had made for the both of them when he woke up that next morning, and quickly removed himself from Kurt's warm bed with the utmost in shame.

_He won't say anything_.

Finn can tell from the look on Kurt's face that he wants to talk about it. It's a wistful look, and he keeps staring at Finn out of the corner of his eye – _now _he learns how to be remotely subtle – like he's mentally urging Finn to give the "Okay, let's talk" signal.

_He won't say anything_.

Finn needs for them to not discuss it. He needs to just forget it ever happened, because it was just a mistake, a stupid, hormonal mistake.

_He won't say anything_.

Finn doesn't look at Kurt – he _can't_ look at Kurt. Because Kurt's always been the strong one, he's always been the one that doesn't show weakness for anything, and now he just looks _so fucking vulnerable_ and it kills Finn.

_He won't say anything_.

Because Finn was Kurt's first, and Kurt loves him. But Finn won't return those feelings, ever.


	3. I Love You

**Disclaimer:: **Glee is not mine.

~.~.~

_I love you_.

Kurt's enamored, besotted, infatuated, and all of the above. He loves Finn; he would die for Finn, because Finn is the one thing that's made all the torture he goes through totally worth it.

_I love you_.

Kurt doesn't care how many times people call him a fag, or a queer, or a homo, or any of those things. He doesn't care how many threatening notes he gets, or anonymous calls he receives, or how much sexual harassment he has to suck it up and _deal with_, because _he_ had _sex_ with _Finn_ _Hudson_.

_I love you_.

Kurt wants to tell Finn, he really does. Because he needs the closure of saying it aloud, because if he says it, then it will finally be cemented. But he hadn't even been able to bring himself to tell Finn's sleeping form, and he doubts he'll be able to tell Finn when the Frankenteen is awake and able to comprehend it.

_I love you_.

Kurt can't tell Finn. Finn's screwed up enough right now the way it is, and he really doesn't need Kurt adding the stress of the L-word.

_I love you_.

Kurt would rather kill himself than hurt Finn more than he already is, even if Kurt really, desperately needs his own solace right about now. Even if Kurt really, desperately needs to say the words that will make him feel less…dirty.

_I love you_.

Because if Kurt loves Finn, then the actions of the night prior can be excused. And Kurt won't be such a masochist.

-.-

_I love you._

Finn can see it in Kurt's pretty teal eyes. He can see the way that Kurt stiffens up whenever Finn comes into the room, and he can hear the change in Kurt's voice when he's talking to him.

_I love you_.

Finn thought that after he called Kurt a fag, Kurt would stop with the crush and move onto greener, gayer pastures. Except Kurt clearly hasn't; Kurt hasn't expressed any interest _at all_ in that Blaine guy who's always throwing himself at Kurt. (Although Mercedes keeps arguing otherwise, which annoys Finn _immensely_ since he knows what he sees, and he _sees_ that Blaine's not Kurt's type.)

_I love you_.

Finn wants to scream at Kurt, he wants to call him a fag and a cheap whore and so many other things. Not because he believes them, but just because he's _angry_ because Kurt _still _loves him, and he _shouldn't_ and it makes things _so_ _much_ _harder_.

_I love you_.

Finn shouldn't have taken Kurt's virginity. He knows that. He _knew_ that. But he did it anyway. Maybe he thought that if he loved him and left him, then Kurt would have been so hurt that he had no choice to move on. Finn really doesn't know – although he _is_ pretty sure that he wasn't thinking clearly enough to come up with that kind of plan last night.

_I love you_.

Finn's in love with Rachel. He knows that, too. He thinks it's kind of funny, the way that he's only had sex with people that were easy and that meant nothing to him. And then he thinks he's kind of a dick again, because _fuck_. _He just admitted that Kurt doesn't mean anything to him._

_I love you_.

Except Rachel doesn't love Finn, and Kurt does. And it's really nice, that feeling that someone cares about you and would do anything for you no matter how much of an asshole you are. And it sorta feels nice, knowing that at least one of the people Finn's had sex with actually had feelings for him.


	4. I Hate You

**Disclaimer:: **Glee is not mine.

~.~.~

_I hate you_.

Kurt wants to think that honestly to himself about Finn, but he can't. Because he doesn't hate him; he won't, ever. Finn's his first love, and Kurt's a pathetically sentimental type of romantic.

_I hate you_.

Kurt should hate Finn. Because Finn used him and doesn't love him, and Finn knew that he never would and would never even bother to try when he was biting at Kurt's collarbone and pulling at his belt.

_I hate you_.

Kurt needs to hate Finn. Because Finn won't even look at him now, and he probably won't ever again, because Kurt's just that _shameful_, just that _disgusting_ to the Frankenteen who couldn't control himself.

_I hate you_.

Kurt can't hate Finn. Because Finn is the _one person_ that Kurt can use as his crutch when things get to the point of "terrible"; he always has been. Kurt relied on his crush to get through the hard times; he hid himself away in his fantasies filled with knights in shining armor and damsels in distress, and it all seemed better with those beautiful rose-colored glasses muting the ugly truth.

_I hate you_.

Kurt doesn't hate Finn. Because he loves Finn, because he _needs_ to love him; he _needs_ his dependence on the larger boy. Because everything's a little bit brighter when he can say _I'm in love with the Golden Boy of the school_.

_I hate you_.

Kurt tells as much about Finn to Blaine. Because Blaine's a really good listener in the way that he's incredibly perceptive, and Kurt needs someone to hear his lies and pick them out; he needs someone to make sense of his masochistic tendencies.

-.-

_I hate you_.

Finn honestly hates Kurt. Because Kurt's always _there_; he's always enabling Finn to break down and rely on him, and he's always enabling Finn to confront his feelings about people, and he's always enabling Finn to _do things_ like what he ended up doing to Kurt that night.

_I hate you_.

Finn shouldn't hate Kurt. Because Kurt's always _there_; he's been supportive, and a good friend – albeit one with orientation-converting ulterior motives.

_I hate you_.

Finn needs to stop hating Kurt. Because he needs Kurt to be there – he needs Kurt's attention, and his sympathy, and his comfort, and he just needs _him_ to stick around, because you never know when you're going to feel like shit and want someone to make you feel worthwhile.

_I hate you_.

Finn can't stop hating Kurt. Because Kurt's an eternal reminder of what Finn did. Finn knows he won't be able to look at Kurt the same way again; he knows he won't be able to look at Kurt without feeling like the biggest slutty douche to walk the face of the planet.

_I hate you_.

Finn doesn't want to hate Kurt. Because he really does need Kurt; he really does need someone who's always there to tell him that _It's okay _when he's upset and can't turn to anyone else.

_I hate you_.

But Finn tells Kurt the truth. Because he's just _so fucking tired_ of having to lie and act like he doesn't hate Kurt; he's _so fucking tired_ of acting like everything's normal between them, and it's not. It never has been.


	5. I Know

**Disclaimer:: Glee is not mine.**

~.~.~

_I know_.

Kurt knew it from the beginning. He's known it for a while, since Finn rejected the offer to go to Prom with him (an offer that Kurt hadn't even considered posing, because he's not _that_ much of a masochist).

_I know_.

Kurt doesn't understand. He should feel angry, or hurt, or betrayed, or _something_ when his man of wax screams that he hates Kurt with no rational explanation being stated. Except he doesn't; Kurt doesn't feel anything at all, except for maybe a little bit of – relief?

_I know_.

Kurt's accepted that Finn hates him. He accepted it a long time ago, and he accepted it again when he woke up and found Finn lying next to him. He has honestly no idea _how_ he knew, but the fact of the matter remains that he did. And that hearing it now really doesn't sting as much as he might have expected.

_I know_.

Kurt thinks back to what Blaine told him, he thinks back to the beautiful boy's suggestions of _You love him because you want to love someone, anyone. You're not actually __**in**_ _**love**_ _with him_. And Kurt thinks that Blaine's kind of brilliant, because he put what Kurt's been feeling into words.

_I know_.

Kurt never expected for Finn to love him. He never expected for Finn to like him. He never expected for Finn to even speak to him. A few months ago in this situation, Kurt would be hurting, broken-hearted, suicidal. Because Finn was his rock, his unreciprocating rock, the only constant feature in Kurt's life. But now, he's not. He's just Finn. And Kurt's not going to hurl himself off a bridge or down any pills any time soon. Because he really wants to spend time with someone new; with someone he can talk to, someone that understands him, and someone that makes him feel warm inside whenever he's in his presence. (And Finn's never made Kurt feel that way; not even when he was actually inside of Kurt, very literally filling him.)

_I know._

Acceptance feels good. It doesn't hurt like Kurt thought it would; it feels _great, _just like Blaine told him that it would. Moving on feels better. It doesn't feel sad like Kurt thought it would; it feels _fantastic_, just like Blaine promised that it would.Kurt finally feels like he might actually be happy in the near future.

-.-

_I know_.

Finn hates those words, those two words spoken so quietly, and so understandingly, and so _goddamn condescendingly_.

_I know_.

_No_, Kurt has absolutely _no idea_. He's a liar, Finn reasons. He's a liar, trying to lessen the blows to his ego and his heart. He has _no idea_.

_I know_.

Finn never pegged Kurt to be a bitter one. He never thought Kurt would be the kind to say cruel lies just to get back at someone for their own words. But here he is, Kurt Hummel, icy bitch supreme, telling Finn that _he knows_ Finn hates him, and that _he's known for a long time_. And that's a lie.

_I know_.

_No_, he doesn't know. He _can't_ know, he can't fathom the hatred that Finn feels deep inside, he can't _understand_ the way that Finn hates Kurt every time he sees him, every time he hears him, every time he thinks about him. Because even Finn doesn't entirely understand it sometimes.

_I know_.

Finn blames Blaine. Kurt never started being such a _bitch_ until he met Blaine. And now he's like that all the time. He's not acting like he's better than everyone else – no, he's gotten rid of that mask. And he's not acting like he's vulnerable like everyone would have expected him to when he finally broke. (It was inevitable, of course; all of their friends have been preparing for the day when Kurt Hummel would break down and sob for a while now.) No, Kurt's acting like he's _content_ with himself, and it's not a side of Kurt that anyone's really seen.

_I know_.

And that really pisses Finn off. Because Kurt's supposed to be _crying_, _sobbing_ when Finn tells him that he doesn't want anything to do with him. He's not supposed to be calm about it. Because he's supposed to love Finn; Finn is supposed to be feeling really _wanted_ right now, like he's the one with the power in this not-relationship. He's not supposed to be feeling like he wants to kill Blaine for changing Kurt, for making him so goddamn _strong_.


	6. I Don't Understand

**Disclaimer:: **Glee is not mine.

~.~.~

_I understand._

It's like the world's become clearer to Kurt through Blaine's help, and he loves Blaine for that.

_I understand_.

No, that's a lie. Kurt loves Blaine in general; the fact that Blaine can relate to Kurt, and comprehend his jumbled up emotions is just heartwarming icing on a just-perfect-enough cake.

_I understand_.

Kurt was never really in love with Finn. He needed someone to rely on, someone that would make him feel better when he started thinking about how bad things were.

_I understand_.

Kurt deluded himself into thinking he was in love with Finn. He made himself think he was in love with Finn, just so that he could say as much.

_I understand_.

Finn was never the type of person Kurt would want. He's not Kurt's type _at all_, and Kurt's embarrassed that he couldn't come to this conclusion on his own. Granted, Finn's charming – in his own sweet, 'confused little boy' sort of way. But he and Kurt have _nothing_ in common.

_I understand_.

Kurt used Finn, the same way that Finn used Kurt that night. The only difference was that Kurt used him emotionally, and Finn used Kurt physically. (Kurt's not entirely sure which of those is the more painful.)

-.-

_I don't understand_.

Nothing makes sense to Finn anymore. Kurt is supposed to be _in love with him_, and Finn's supposed to be watching him cry right now. He's not supposed to be the one feeling on the verge of tears, because _he's_ not having his love rejected.

_I don't understand_.

Kurt leaves, just like that. He doesn't say anything else, he just gives Finn a short smile – he fucking _smiles _– and then he leaves, phone in hand and a subdued sparkle in his eyes. He almost looks like he's going on a date. _A date_.

_I don't understand_.

Finn's left alone in the kitchen, just staring at the empty doorway and wondering when the _hell_ Kurt turned the tables on him. Because this is supposed to be what Kurt's doing, standing alone, bewildered, and feeling the sharp stings of tears at the corners of his eyes. And _Finn_ is supposed to be the one who's leaving because he has plans with someone he really likes.

_I don't understand_.

Finn feels rejected. Like he just poured his heart and soul out to someone and they told him to piss off. But that doesn't make any sense. Because Finn hates Kurt, he _told Kurt_ he hates him. And _Kurt's_ supposed to feel rejected.

_I don't understand_.

It's just something else Finn wants to hate Kurt for. He wants to hate the countertenor for the way he's just so easily _gotten over_ Finn, and the way he's so _confident _and _unafraid _of his affections now. And it's not fucking _fair._

_I don't understand_.

Because there's a coldness settling into Finn's stomach, and now he thinks he's starting to understand the way Kurt felt he resigned himself to knowing that Finn only wanted sex, and not a relationship.

_I understand_.

It wasn't love. Kurt only wanted a trophy-crush, and not a relationship. It shouldn't sting, because Finn never wanted a relationship with Kurt, either. But it does. Because Finn thought that Kurt was the one person who truly, honestly loved him.


End file.
